Real

I'm not having a crisis of faith. I'm not mad or angry. I just want to say those things at the outset, so that you don't feel alarmed or worried.

I'm going to swear in this piece. Don't read it if you're offended. I mean it. If swears offend you, don't read this.

Also, side note: I'm actually pretty happy today and most days. I feel really good physically, mentally, and emotionally although my platelet count reflects otherwise. The people in my life fill my heart with gratitude. There's plenty to be thankful for and blah, blah, blah.

But there's a few things about life that suck lately. And I'm in the process of trying to reconcile all that suck with a God I want to worship...not curse.

I know, I know. It could be worse. Way worse. Having no platelets isn't the worst. And wow - how nice - I get to live right here by Mayo, so there's that little "bright side."

Worse things: I could be starving. I could be in a war zone. I could have inoperable cancer. But you know what? Some people actually ARE starving and in war zones and dealing with inoperable cancer. How fair is that? Not fair. That stinks. And what would we say to them? "It couldn't be worse." Not comforting. I don't think comparing one person's shit to another person's shit is all that helpful. Basically, bottom line, there are plenty of not-great-things that happen in our blessed universe.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I had that allergic reaction last night to the platelets. It scared the hell out of me. I can handle some hives, a swollen lip, and itchy ears. But right before the nurse put the Benadryl in my IV, my chest was literally tightening and it was getting harder to swallow!

Out of everything that has happened in the last 4 years of this diagnosis, last night ties for "worst place" with the time I had a significant bleeding event when a nurse was trying to put an IV in my arm. That also scared the hell out of me. And no one should have to have the hell scared out of them once....let alone twice!

The fact that any human being ever has to deal with this kind of crap is bullshit. It just is. It just really is. And I know it could be worse! I get it.

I don't think God did that to me last night. I don't think God was in the blood lab making sure the doctor chose a bag of platelets that would give me a reaction. That would be really creepy of the Creator of All Things.

I don't think God is doing any of this to me. Honestly, I don't know where God is or what God is doing. Do you? Does anyone...with 100% certainty? But whatever God might be, I don't think "puppeteer" is a good descriptor.

Everyone's theology is different. Likely you've faced some major suckfest in your own life. Some people make peace by believing that God is in control of it all and "never gives us more than we can handle." If that gives you a sense of peace and security, by all means, believe it! Seriously.

Some people make peace by letting go of any concept of God. Atheism. And I understand that approach. We're all just looking for some tranquility in a chaotic world.

Most people find a middle ground.

I thought I had found it, but I don't know where I am on the "how much control does God actually have?" spectrum anymore.

I used to attribute every blessing in my life to God. Every good news. Every happy moment. Every joy. Every meaningful coincidence. Every learning opportunity. It was all: thanks be to God.

But lately I'm wrestling with how reasonable it is to give God the credit for every good thing but never for the bad things. That's how I've been operating. "Thanks be to God" for the good stuff. But "it's not God's fault...God can't control it" for the bad stuff.

It doesn't seem logical to try and make a matching pair with those two cards.

That being said, I sense a transcendent reality. Deeply. All the time.

And I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. I like how he lived. I like how he talked to people. I like how he made the best of a hand of cards he didn't necessarily choose to be dealt. I like how much he wanted people to treat each other with compassion. And I really like how he despised it when people were getting screwed over, and he wasn't afraid to speak up about it.

You know what....I'm probably going to keep saying "thanks be to God" for the good stuff.

And I'm going to keep saying "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done" because Jesus said it and it makes sense. When you don't know what else to pray...might as well pray for God's will to be done. Whatever God's mysterious will might be.

Maybe Jesus felt pretty confused about God's will sometimes, too. Actually, he definitely did (see The Garden of Gethsemene).

But he kept going. He kept going even when it was scary...even when the crowds kept getting bigger and he just wanted a little quiet time...even when he felt betrayed and alone. He kept going as far as he could go.

It is what it is.
There's a silver lining in every rain cloud.
Everything works out in the end.

Insert your own favorite cliche.

I'm going to get a blood test tomorrow morning. And it's either going to be better or worse than it was yesterday. Maybe I'll get to continue on with my workday. Maybe I'll have to get admitted to the hospital. Maybe I'll have to get some platelets.

Regardless of all that. Regardless of whether I have a remission or not. Regardless of whether I'm still dealing with this same shit 5 years from now. Regardless of whether I do get to have a child someday or I don't. Regardless of whether I spend another series of nights in a sterile hospital room falling asleep to the drip of an IV pole....

I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for the chance to exist on this complicated, incessantly perplexing orb called Earth.

And maybe it's because I don't know what else to be believe - or maybe it's because it's the only thing I know I believe for sure, but I do give God the credit for this gift of existence.

So for that, I guess there's only one thing left to say: thanks be to God.