Wellness and Stuff

New feature. "Wellness and stuff."

As 2016 begins, I am recommitted to many of my core values. One of those core values relates to the importance of treating my body with a lot of kindness - from the kinds of things I eat, to exercise, to the kinds of energy/information I let into my brain.

So - here on the bloggy - you can expect an increased number of posts on wellness and stuff.

The drug that I am injected with for the platelet situation - Nplate - is so strong that its effects...both when it's working and when it has worn off...probably supersede any differences I can make to my platelet count with lifestyle and diet.

BUT - nevertheless - I feel renewed in my commitment to keep trying as hard as I can anything. To get good sleep. To minimize stress and utilize stress-management techniques. To surround myself with conscious, collaborate relationships. To put really nutrient-dense food into my mouth and as much as it is possible, to avoid putting anything that isn't life-giving in my mouth.

I generally eat quite healthfully. But not always. And when I put crap into my body, I think to myself..."What difference does it really make?"

But nowadays, I'm thinking...wow...even small amounts of things DO make a difference. One tiny little pill (whether it's Tylenol, Benadryl, or any other daily medication) can do a lot! So even small amounts of what we put into our bodies MUST be related to how we feel and how our organs function. Whether it's medication or alcohol or food or sugar or caffeine or processed crap or pesticides. Everything we consume sends signals throughout our body from the moment it enters our mouths!

Any hematologist will tell you my condition, ITP, has nothing to do with diet or stress. Perhaps but I'm actually really beginning to question all that again. Intuitively, I feel like there MUST be some correlation. Even if there isn't, I think my ability to thrive in life - with or without ITP - is very related to diet and stress management and healing old wounds of all kinds. So I'm going to give it my best shot.

I've now worked my way through the initial phase of Lara Casey's "Make it Happen" Powersheets, Leonie Dawson's "Create Your Shining Life" workbook, and the introductory section of Sacred Ordinary Days. I ended up finding that these tools compliment each other well! My favorite is Leonie - but I truly value them all. And in just a few days of use, I'm finding the Sacred Ordinary Days resource to be a great motivation to spend time devotionally with the Bible...which I *cough* hadn't been doing much of for the last year.

I'll share more about the discerned goals in the coming weeks.

For now, I'll share this....my word of the year is CONSISTENT.

I am a person with plenty of good ideas for lifestyle changes and habits and future plans. But, I am a person who struggles with being CONSISTENT in my routines...especially during times of increased stress.

So that's the word for this year.

CONSISTENT!

I'd love to hear your 2016 theme word. Comment below if you'd like. I'd love to increase the back-and-forth interactiveness of the blog in the year ahead. I miss ya'll. I was mega inconsistent in blogging for most of 2015. But...now...with my new "theme word" - I'll hopefully be writing and sharing again on the regular.

Your turn. What's your theme word for this year?

Lessons from the last 24 hours

Yesterday afternoon I felt all these words swelling up in my gut. It came on suddenly. I was putting shreds of carrots on my plate at a salad bar. An overwhelming need to get it all out...to just say it...to release a swirling pile of uncertainties and fears and hopes. 

So I wrote it. And then I posted it. Then I got really scared. Scared that I said too much. Scared that the real Emily would be a disappointment to people. Scared that the swirling pile would be too heavy or self-involved for others to read. So I took it down and tried to stuff my swirling pile back inside. 

But in the few minutes I had revealed my deep insides on this blog and on Facebook, you said, "Me, too." 

You wrote comments. You sent texts. You called and emailed. Right away. Right from the moment I let go of my words, you were right there to catch them. 

You said, "I understand." You said, "I love you." You said, "Keep writing." 

So I put the post back up. You gave me courage. 

I have an inside voice....the voice in my head. You probably have one, too. 

My real voice - the 100% real Emily - analyzes everything. In my heart of hearts - I am sometimes/oftentimes skeptical. I swear on a semi-regular basis (in my brain)....because I love words and sometimes cursing is appropriate. I have experienced a lot more than generally appears to be the case. I worry all the time about letting you down...letting everyone down...messing everything up. 

100% real Emily is also persistently hopeful. Incorrigible in hopefulness. 

I do see God in everything. I see God in you. I see God in the crap. I see God in the good. 

I have a tendency to lose myself. I can tell I'm losing myself when I start smiling too much...when I stop saying what's inside....when I resort to cliches. 

I do it because I want to make you happy. I want to make the whole world happy. Sometimes I'm afraid 100% real Emily won't make you happy. I'm afraid she'll make you sad or angry or cynical. 

You reminded me yesterday that 100% real Emily is actually the only person you want me to be. 

Thank you. 

My platelets are up today. Up high enough to get away for a few days with my mom. I'm going to take my new platelets on vacation....a pla-cation (platelet vacation). Maybe they'll have so much fun they'll stick around awhile and bring some more platelet friends to the party. Or not. I have no idea. The rollercoaster will most likely continue, and I'll be along for the ride. No one knows the permanent, definitive cure for ITP. 

And as much as I do want to be cured in my blood...I also want to be healed in my spirit. I want to be real and I want to you to be real, too. 

You're healing me, friends. With every word you take the time to read, every comment, every text, every email, every call, every "like", every prayer, every positive vibe...you're helping me heal. On a deep and permanent level. In the last 24 hours, your love and acceptance felt like the love and acceptance of God...during a time when I forgot what God's love felt like. 

Thank you for reminding me. 

Real

I'm not having a crisis of faith. I'm not mad or angry. I just want to say those things at the outset, so that you don't feel alarmed or worried.

I'm going to swear in this piece. Don't read it if you're offended. I mean it. If swears offend you, don't read this.

Also, side note: I'm actually pretty happy today and most days. I feel really good physically, mentally, and emotionally although my platelet count reflects otherwise. The people in my life fill my heart with gratitude. There's plenty to be thankful for and blah, blah, blah.

But there's a few things about life that suck lately. And I'm in the process of trying to reconcile all that suck with a God I want to worship...not curse.

I know, I know. It could be worse. Way worse. Having no platelets isn't the worst. And wow - how nice - I get to live right here by Mayo, so there's that little "bright side."

Worse things: I could be starving. I could be in a war zone. I could have inoperable cancer. But you know what? Some people actually ARE starving and in war zones and dealing with inoperable cancer. How fair is that? Not fair. That stinks. And what would we say to them? "It couldn't be worse." Not comforting. I don't think comparing one person's shit to another person's shit is all that helpful. Basically, bottom line, there are plenty of not-great-things that happen in our blessed universe.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I had that allergic reaction last night to the platelets. It scared the hell out of me. I can handle some hives, a swollen lip, and itchy ears. But right before the nurse put the Benadryl in my IV, my chest was literally tightening and it was getting harder to swallow!

Out of everything that has happened in the last 4 years of this diagnosis, last night ties for "worst place" with the time I had a significant bleeding event when a nurse was trying to put an IV in my arm. That also scared the hell out of me. And no one should have to have the hell scared out of them once....let alone twice!

The fact that any human being ever has to deal with this kind of crap is bullshit. It just is. It just really is. And I know it could be worse! I get it.

I don't think God did that to me last night. I don't think God was in the blood lab making sure the doctor chose a bag of platelets that would give me a reaction. That would be really creepy of the Creator of All Things.

I don't think God is doing any of this to me. Honestly, I don't know where God is or what God is doing. Do you? Does anyone...with 100% certainty? But whatever God might be, I don't think "puppeteer" is a good descriptor.

Everyone's theology is different. Likely you've faced some major suckfest in your own life. Some people make peace by believing that God is in control of it all and "never gives us more than we can handle." If that gives you a sense of peace and security, by all means, believe it! Seriously.

Some people make peace by letting go of any concept of God. Atheism. And I understand that approach. We're all just looking for some tranquility in a chaotic world.

Most people find a middle ground.

I thought I had found it, but I don't know where I am on the "how much control does God actually have?" spectrum anymore.

I used to attribute every blessing in my life to God. Every good news. Every happy moment. Every joy. Every meaningful coincidence. Every learning opportunity. It was all: thanks be to God.

But lately I'm wrestling with how reasonable it is to give God the credit for every good thing but never for the bad things. That's how I've been operating. "Thanks be to God" for the good stuff. But "it's not God's fault...God can't control it" for the bad stuff.

It doesn't seem logical to try and make a matching pair with those two cards.

That being said, I sense a transcendent reality. Deeply. All the time.

And I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. I like how he lived. I like how he talked to people. I like how he made the best of a hand of cards he didn't necessarily choose to be dealt. I like how much he wanted people to treat each other with compassion. And I really like how he despised it when people were getting screwed over, and he wasn't afraid to speak up about it.

You know what....I'm probably going to keep saying "thanks be to God" for the good stuff.

And I'm going to keep saying "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done" because Jesus said it and it makes sense. When you don't know what else to pray...might as well pray for God's will to be done. Whatever God's mysterious will might be.

Maybe Jesus felt pretty confused about God's will sometimes, too. Actually, he definitely did (see The Garden of Gethsemene).

But he kept going. He kept going even when it was scary...even when the crowds kept getting bigger and he just wanted a little quiet time...even when he felt betrayed and alone. He kept going as far as he could go.

It is what it is.
There's a silver lining in every rain cloud.
Everything works out in the end.

Insert your own favorite cliche.

I'm going to get a blood test tomorrow morning. And it's either going to be better or worse than it was yesterday. Maybe I'll get to continue on with my workday. Maybe I'll have to get admitted to the hospital. Maybe I'll have to get some platelets.

Regardless of all that. Regardless of whether I have a remission or not. Regardless of whether I'm still dealing with this same shit 5 years from now. Regardless of whether I do get to have a child someday or I don't. Regardless of whether I spend another series of nights in a sterile hospital room falling asleep to the drip of an IV pole....

I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for the chance to exist on this complicated, incessantly perplexing orb called Earth.

And maybe it's because I don't know what else to be believe - or maybe it's because it's the only thing I know I believe for sure, but I do give God the credit for this gift of existence.

So for that, I guess there's only one thing left to say: thanks be to God.

Quote to Ponder

My platelets took a mighty tumble over the weekend. But I've made it almost one full month without an infusion - so that is a MAJOR success! For awhile there, it was almost weekly. I believe that my holistic approach to wellness is paying off. 

I'll have another blood test Thursday afternoon, and if my numbers are still on the downward trend, I'll get an infusion Thursday night or Friday night. I feel at peace with that because having a monthly infusion really wouldn't be a big deal at all. And the Promacta seems to be helping my body make enough extra platelets which is very helpful. 

But who knows? Maybe my count will go back up without any additional infusion assistance. 

Regardless, I'm sticking with my low-histamine plan because I feel great! And I'm definitely in a better boat than I was 6 weeks ago. 

Two quotes on persistence: 

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”-Maya Angelou

“Courage doesn’t always roar, sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”-Mary Anne Radmacher