Blogging and Wings


I started this blog in 2008. 
Now it's 2016.
For the past year I haven't blogged very consistently.
And I miss it. I miss it quite a lot. 

Last year was rough, and it made me afraid to share.
It made me afraid to post.
It made me afraid to write.
It made me afraid to dream.
It made me afraid to sing.
It made me afraid to be me.

Last year, about this time, 
I wanted to crawl into a hole and never emerge.
Pushing out of the chrysalis seemed an impossible task.
I imagined withering away in my cocoon. 

But, little by little,
day by day...
week by week...
month by month...
I'm me again.
Only a lot stronger,
a lot wiser,
a lot more resilient.

Also - I now have a bonus feature!

The fears that threatened my entire being have been replaced with courage,
with the certainty that I'm okay and loved no matter what,
that people can be unimaginably kind,
that life can be so beautiful it creates a sensation far beyond deep gratitude,
that humans can choose to contribute to one another's healing and wellness,
that some people are profoundly trustworthy,
that my heart still knows how to love and be loved,
that life is anything but black and white. 

It's been a year of healing.
I'm at the stage where the scar is there and will always be there,
but it's faded to the point where I don't notice it every time I look in the mirror.
There are scars we all carry.
You have some.
I have some.
Your neighbor has some. 
And most of them are never seen or mentioned.

I'm at the point in my journey where I realize that my scars don't define me.
They do, however, inform the way I live and breathe and move.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago. 
I don't see the world in the same way.
I don't see people in the same way.
I don't see relationships or families or humans or night or day or life or death in the same way. 

And that's okay. 

Along the healing journey, I initially paused for awhile from writing the newspaper column. Maybe six weeks or so. Then I retuned to writing but the column got a new name. I've also paused quite a lot from regular blogging. A lot of that had to do with needing time to heal and process and focus on other things. It also had to do with being afraid to be open and vulnerable again about my life.

Today, from this viewpoint, I see possibility. 

And I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm really not.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

Which is to say: I've come a long, long way. 

I miss sharing and writing here - it's a different space than the column and I treasure it. I miss posting pictures and using my good camera! I miss collaborating with readers on "Words of the Week" and other digital projects. I miss having an online diary to look back on as a record of my thoughts, experiences, and ideas. 

Blogging has changed in the last 8 years. The landscape is different. People often don't post comments on blogs anymore. I turned off that feature awhile ago, too. Many bloggers have given up on the medium and shifted to Instagram or other outlets.

But I still tend to think there's something special about the basic "blog." 

I'm not exactly sure where this blog will go in the coming months - but it will be developing. It will be in process. Like me. And we'll be reemerging together -  my blog and I! Spreading our wings and imagining all the spaces yet to explore.

I hope you'll join me for the expedition.