A life in pre-bloom.

This is a dandelion, my favorite member of that family of plantlife known as weeds. Although all of her dandelion neighbors surrounded her in full bloom, being visited by buzzing bees and rays of sunshine, she hadn't yet received the go-ahead to renounce her protective layer. I was happy to find this little green counterpart yesterday afternoon.

I am certainly in a stage of uncertainty. I have been called to a synod in Minnesota to become a pastor there, but they aren't sure what congregation to send me to quite yet. In less than a month I will graduate and prepare to leave a city that started out as my enemy and became my dearest friend. I miss my friends and family in Iowa and southern Illinois, and I ache at the thought of moving away from those I love here in Chicago.

The challenges of living and loving apparently never cease. Sometimes it feels like all of life is just one continuous transition. So if that's the case, there must be grace in the midst of all this. The truth is, as uncertain as I feel about nearly everything (yes, everything), I know I wouldn't trade a moment of it. The mistakes, the friends, the losses, the love, the laughing, the tears, the hope, the long walks through fields of flowers. I have always felt a constant tension between wanting God to patiently lead my every step whispering, "Emily here's the plan I have for you" and instead wanting God to let me choose my own path. Lately, I have felt that tension accutely.

Regardless of exactly what our individual current situations appear to be, the reality is that we all go through experiences of being frozen in state of pre-bloom. We can imagine how amazing it will be to release the layers of fear and anxiety that surround us, but we don't know quite how to get to that place of peace. Its address remains hidden. Its directions haven't yet been provided. And so we wait, and we do our best to grow stronger inside whatever space we've been given. And we never stop dreaming and envisioning the beauty of a life in full-bloom.

1 comment:

  1. sounds as if a door is closing and another will be opening soon for you. everything will turn out great for you, i just know it.