I catastrophize.
My "old" brain takes over sometimes. A highjack situation.
Little things become giant things. It's all subconscious and it happens very, very fast.
When I make a mistake, my brain immediately tells me: "YOU FAILED. YOU MESSED UP. NO ONE WILL EVER FORGIVE YOU AND YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING AND BAD JOB."
And so I have built a life where I try very hard to make no obvious mistakes that would cause anyone to feel any pain at any time. I built a life where I would be perceived as someone who cheers people up, listens, and makes life better for others....and these patterns started a long, long time ago.
This idea that I never upset anyone, though...it's faulty thinking. I'm sure I do. Because everyone does.
Everyone makes mistakes every day, and I am sure I'm no exception.
I just live in a special land called the "Perfectionist's Island of Denial" (we'll just call it PID). Here on PID, I am doing everything just right at all times. Saying the right things. Doing the right things. Keeping everyone as happy as possible - never disappointing - never challenging - and always gauging the dynamics of every core relationship (and every peripheral relationship) in my life to ensure the happiness of the other party.
But every now and then - situations and people slip through the cracks. The safety of my island becomes at risk. The waters rise the moment I sense that someone is not happy with me in ANY way, shape, or form.
I think to myself: "GET OFF THE ISLAND. I HAVE TO GET OFF THE ISLAND. ALERT! ALERT! THERE IS A TERRIBLE STORM THAT JUST ARRIVED. TAKE COVER. STORE UP SUPPLIES. THE WORLD IS PROBABLY ENDING RIGHT NOW AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. THE SHELTERS AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH. GOODBYE TO EVERYONE! THIS IS IT! I RUINED LIFE ON THE ISLAND. I HAVE TO RUN AWAY NOW AND FIND A NEW ISLAND."
Real-life situations that can cause my subconscious island evacuation plan:
- Cutting off a phone call too soon and thinking it may have hurt the other person's feelings
- Not being available for a phone call
- The idea that I said too much
- The idea that I said too little
- The thought that I said something that could be perceived in an offensive way
- Not hearing from a loved one
- Being late
- Having a disagreement of any kind
Little things.
These are all relatively little things in the big picture.
But in my brain, they are often HUGE, GRIEVOUS flaws that have to either be covered up and denied - escaped - or they must become a catalyst for a promise to have a brand new, mistake-free life moving forward.
This is catastrophizing.
And I'm working on it.
So far, my primary strategy is to observe when it's happening and try to slow down. Try to remind myself that the island is still safe for human life. That I don't need to crawl into the bunker. That if I just keep breathing, the winds will pass and the sunshine will return.
One day at a time.
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