*Warning: this post has all the swears. As always, feel free to skip this one and come back tomorrow. Or read on. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm having a week of weeks. Long (productive) work days. And evenings at the ol' Mayo. My count was 1 on Monday. 1 on Tuesday. And 2 today. It was 650 last week. When the count falls, it really falls. Then it takes time to climb back up.
I'm tired. More tired than I've been in a long time. I think it's a combination of long ass days, the fact that I have no platelets, and the daily pre-meds and transfusions.
I was feeling a little discouraged when I got home a bit ago.
Don't get me wrong: Mom and I have literal fun at the Infusion Therapy Center. We laugh a lot. The nurses are like family at this point. But still...it's not where I like to spend my non-working hours. I don't want this to be my life. It's been a rough road. I'm ready for a different road.
Anyway, I got home a bit ago and I was almost feeling resentful at my body. Like...COME ON. JEEPERS. GET IT TOGETHER. PLEASE STOP KILLING ME WITH ALL THIS OUTRAGEOUS PLATELET CONSUMPTION. I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE GYM AND GET MY 10,000 STEPS AND USE MY JUICER. WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY BALLS, BODY? CUT ME A FUCKING BREAK.
And then I had an overwhelming sense of: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE.
Wait a good long minute, Emily Anne Carson.
Because as much as I get annoyed at my body. The actual message I would like to convey goes a little something like this:
Body,
you kick ass.
You are so awesome.
And I'm so fucking proud of you.
In fact, I couldn't be any prouder of you.
You're doing a fantastic job of staying alive.
So, so good.
The best!
Good job, body.
You keep me alive day after day.
Even when I don't have platelets,
somehow you hold it together.
You get me to work.
You get me through work days.
And speaking engagements.
And conversations with friends.
You make it look easy, body.
You make it look so easy that no one even knows I'm sick!
That's how awesome you are!
And good job, brain.
You are really good at not hemorrhaging.
And you keep thinking thoughts and having ideas.
Way to go!
Also: good job organs.
All of you.
Incredible! How do you do what you do without any platelets?
It's amazing!
Good work!
Skin, I'm proud of you, too.
You're doing what you can.
We're having a rough week, but I know you're trying.
All those little red dots that now cover my flesh are my signal.
Thank you.
Thank you for producing all those dots on my face and in my mouth and all over my legs.
Those uncomfortable blood blisters.
Thanks for giving me a way to know that it's time to go get a blood test.
You've saved the rest of this body a lot of times, skin.
Without you and your little signals, we wouldn't be here.
Thanks!
And veins: kudos to you.
You just don't give up.
Day after day after day.
Poke after poke after poke.
You just keep going!
You're so smart, body.
I don't understand you.
I'll admit it.
Sometimes it's like we're not speaking the same language.
Like I'm on one page and you're reading a different book altogether.
But I am so in your corner, body.
Thanks for trying so hard all the time.
Thanks for letting me take long, good walks.
Thanks for being good at eating and sleeping.
I don't understand why you're so intense about the platelet consumption situation.
But I trust you, body.
I trust that we're all one.
Brain and body and heart and mind.
Soul, too.
We're all on the same team.
Body, I'd like to say concretely: I'm not mad at you.
It's the opposite actually.
I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
And I'm indescribably thankful to you.
We've been through a lot, body.
Such a hell of a lot.
Thank you for not giving up.
Thank you for not getting too scared.
Thank you for being so damn resilient.
I love you, body.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you so much I'd marry you.
In fact, let's do it.
I do.
I do marry you, body.
I commit to this.
This life.
Whatever it is we're doing day in and day out.
I won't give up.
You won't give up.
We're in this for life, body.
Wherever this life leads, it's you and me. Together. Forever.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Hang in there! You have a great attitude towards this disease and I am so proud of you they way you handle it. Yes get mad, yes swear if it helps you feel better! We understand and do it too once in a while. Hope your platelets pop back up soon so you can enjoy the season of Christ's birth.
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