Lessons from the last 24 hours


Yesterday afternoon I felt all these words swelling up in my gut. It came on suddenly. I was putting shreds of carrots on my plate at a salad bar. An overwhelming need to get it all out...to just say it...to release a swirling pile of uncertainties and fears and hopes. 

So I wrote it. And then I posted it. Then I got really scared. Scared that I said too much. Scared that the real Emily would be a disappointment to people. Scared that the swirling pile would be too heavy or self-involved for others to read. So I took it down and tried to stuff my swirling pile back inside. 

But in the few minutes I had revealed my deep insides on this blog and on Facebook, you said, "Me, too." 

You wrote comments. You sent texts. You called and emailed. Right away. Right from the moment I let go of my words, you were right there to catch them. 

You said, "I understand." You said, "I love you." You said, "Keep writing." 

So I put the post back up. You gave me courage. 

I have an inside voice....the voice in my head. You probably have one, too. 

My real voice - the 100% real Emily - analyzes everything. In my heart of hearts - I am sometimes/oftentimes skeptical. I swear on a semi-regular basis (in my brain)....because I love words and sometimes cursing is appropriate. I have experienced a lot more than generally appears to be the case. I worry all the time about letting you down...letting everyone down...messing everything up. 

100% real Emily is also persistently hopeful. Incorrigible in hopefulness. 

I do see God in everything. I see God in you. I see God in the crap. I see God in the good. 

I have a tendency to lose myself. I can tell I'm losing myself when I start smiling too much...when I stop saying what's inside....when I resort to cliches. 

I do it because I want to make you happy. I want to make the whole world happy. Sometimes I'm afraid 100% real Emily won't make you happy. I'm afraid she'll make you sad or angry or cynical. 

You reminded me yesterday that 100% real Emily is actually the only person you want me to be. 

Thank you. 

My platelets are up today. Up high enough to get away for a few days with my mom. I'm going to take my new platelets on vacation....a pla-cation (platelet vacation). Maybe they'll have so much fun they'll stick around awhile and bring some more platelet friends to the party. Or not. I have no idea. The rollercoaster will most likely continue, and I'll be along for the ride. No one knows the permanent, definitive cure for ITP. 

And as much as I do want to be cured in my blood...I also want to be healed in my spirit. I want to be real and I want to you to be real, too. 

You're healing me, friends. With every word you take the time to read, every comment, every text, every email, every call, every "like", every prayer, every positive vibe...you're helping me heal. On a deep and permanent level. In the last 24 hours, your love and acceptance felt like the love and acceptance of God...during a time when I forgot what God's love felt like. 

Thank you for reminding me.