Off balance.


Oh me, oh my.
Because I aspire for this blog to be a pretty upbeat space, I try to avoid overly personal, emotional ramblings most of the time.

I'm about to share a personal, emotional rambling - only in the hopes that maybe it will be helpful to someone, somewhere in Internet world.

I'm slightly concerned that I've created an online persona (and maybe a real-life persona, too) of a person who "has it all together." I actually don't have it all together- so maybe it's good for me to be honest about that. I'm good at time management and communication and various other life skills. I'm quite happy and mostly healthy (other than the unpredictable platelets).

Nevertheless, there are times when I tip out of balance.
Tonight is one such time.
I'm not sure when it happened.
I think it has been a gradual progression.
I felt my emotional and spiritual balance slipping as the days seemed to fill and fill.

I can tell I'm out of balance when suddenly I start to assume my plate is more full than anyone else's plate. Do you ever get that feeling? It's bad and embarrassing. Sorry. Maybe it's better to just admit it. I hope I'm not the only one.....I'm not, right? You feel that way inside now and then, too? It's such a yucky feeling. I felt it creeping in today, and then I thought to myself, "Oh dear. This is not good. Time to rebalance."

I reminded myself that EVERYONE has a set of challenges and commitments and obligations and worries and fears. Everyone has his/her own plate - and most people's plates really are quite full.

I have to remind myself from time to time that my job in life is not to have the most full plate. My job in life is not to perfectly handle every single side dish and main course on my plate. I don't prove anything to God or my community or friends or family by having a life plate that overflows.

My job in life is to love God and love my neighbor. Now and then, I need to be reminded of that.
Do you?

The problem is: Perspective! Sometimes I just lose any sense of perspective.
The other problem: Maybe I haven't really accepted the amazing brilliance of grace! Grace: God's gift of love for us. We don't have to earn it. It's a gift. Maybe I need to stop and remind myself that I don't have to earn God's love by being the most busy or the most perfect. Grace is a gift. That's the whole point.

I was hunting around on my computer for some kind of image that would help, and I found the photo above. I'm not sure quite what the image means. It's me beside a gigantic tree. But looking at it did give me a renewed sense of perspective, hope, and peace.

Another way I know I'm out of balance: I start dwelling in the tiniest of details. Emotionally, I go to an obsessive place of worry. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I hurt her feelings? Did I offend them? Did I wear the right color? Did I write the best words? Did I say the appropriate prayer? Does everyone love me at every possible second? Am I a nice friend? Am I a nice sister? Am I a good enough daughter?

It is not good. I turn inside when what I really need to do is look outside of myself.

Thankfully, by 28, I have a good sense of when I'm out of balance.
I'm still figuring out exactly how to address the matter.
The problem often seems to naturally even back out once I acknowledge it.

Thanks for listening tonight. Thanks for helping me regain my equilibrium.


  1. SUCH a worthwhile post, Em. As a fellow blogger, it's really hard to stay positive without sounding like everything is perfect in our lives. Yet, negativity breeds negativity, and I find myself writing too much of that too.
    I like to think of you writing this out to yourself. So helpful, yes? Taking the moment to step back and consider what the heck is going on is so responsible. We all get so obsessed with doing everything... all the time... perfectly... with a smile on our faces.
    Love God, love others. Including ourselves. That's it. How wonderful.

  2. Thanks for the comments, you two!

    April, preach it girl! "Love God, love others. Including ourselves. That's it." Amen!

  3. TLP, I have to say, and please don't be offended ... it makes me happy to read this! Why? Because knowing that someone as beautiful, kind, intelligent, compassionate, organized and spontaneous as you are has internal struggles like this, makes me feel a lot better about my own internal struggles.

    So yeah, I'd say posting it was a good thing!



  4. I love you and all the times you remind me that you're a "real" person. I can definitely be "real" around you too. Love ya!

  5. I am feeling the same way these days, P.E. I've been having too many pity parties for myself - just trying to keep up with life. Thanks for reminding me to pray about it and look for my own "balance". And thanks for your honesty - a great reminder that we are all in the same boat - just different chapters to the story. Love ya!