Hey team.
I got a good day of work in today, so that felt good.
I was able to focus on church and sermons and scheduling visits.

Mom went back to Iowa. I miss her. I think she's coming back for my Friday appointment.
By then, hopefully all the platelets will have returned and this weirdo dream can be over.

So one of the side effects of larger doses of prednisone is paranoia.
Yes, please! That's me for the last 5 hours.
I'm paranoid about EVERYTHING in my house & office & yard being the culprit for the disappearing platelets. The doctors say no one knows why 50 out of every 1,000,000 people get it. There's no evidence to show what causes it. So I'm taking matters into my own hands.

No more Diet Mountain Dew. No more Splenda or Nutrasweet. No more dairy products or regular food.
I've been throwing away all my food and replacing it with organic.
I know it's nonsense. But what else can I do? I hate it all.
I hate my garden.
I hate the pesticides that surround it.
I hate that stupid field.
I hate that I live in the middle of a farm that might be making me sick.
I hate my garden produce that I used to love because I feel like it's contaminated with pesticides and herbicides and poison. I never want to touch my tomatoes again. I threw away my carrots and beets. I hate my shampoo and conditioner. And hair spray. And blankets. And clothes and pens and notebooks.

See, I'm totally paranoid and acting like a crazy lady.

Everything I come into contact with is making me anxious.
I hope it's just the prednisone.
I hope this is all over soon.
I hope my platelets are growing really fast - like record-setting fast. I hope I don't get any more bruises. I hope the doctors say I never have to visit the hematology department again because I'm completely better.

I read some message boards for ITP (Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura) - my current diagnosis. It totally looks like no fun - so I'm not reading those message boards anymore. It doesn't feel like me or my body or my life! I'm healthy. I feel healthy. I look healthy. I am healthy. I'm so mad.

But I'm positive and happy, too. Really, I'm good. Just overwhelmed.
I'm sure Friday's appointment will be great.
And my platelets will be totally dominating and being awesome.
And I won't have to be on these wacko steroids for very long.

Thanks for listening to that vent.
Don't worry. I'm totally fine.
Really. I just have to have a few moments of "angry Emily" so the rest of the time I can be a normal, cheerful lady pastor. :)

Hugs hugs hugs to all.
Especially to my platelets. :)

1 comment:

  1. ahh Emily :S
    I hope you are feeling less anxious and crazy this morning! Continue to think about your often.